Kumusta Na?

Ah. Okay ka lang. Ako?

Eto… sakto lang din. Surviving. Gumigising sa umaga at nagpapasalamat na buhay pa at humihinga. Natutulog sa gabi at nagdadasal na matapos na ang napakahabang collective bangungot na ‘to at mailagay ko sa CV ko talaga under achievements: survived 2020, bitches!

Tapos maglalagay ako ng shrine sa kwarto ko ng mga mask, quarantine pass, negative COVID-19 tests ganyan, pa-frame ko tas may nakasulat, “Congratulations for surviving 2020!” Too much?

Although minsan, kapag nakahiga na ako tapos hindi ko hawak ‘yung phone ko, wala muni-muni lang, naiisip ko para tayong nasa hell loop ng Bliss. Tuwing bubuka bibig ng presidente at walang kawawaan at direksyon ang sasabihin niyang namumutiktik sa mura o pasasalamat sa Tsina o paghihintay ng bakuna para matapos na lahat ng ‘to, mapapa-“Puta, eto na naman” ka talaga e.

Nung mga unang araw ng lockdown, syempre hindi. Binalot ako ng sobra-sobrang anxiety tapos nilagnat pa ko so akala ko talaga mamamatay akong masasama lang sa bilang ng statistics, Patient XXXX. Shutangina, sakit nun. Pero ayun, as always, yung utak kong stressed lang pala ang nanalo nung panahon na yun. Buti na lang din na subsob kami nung mga panahong yun sa trabaho so tuwing gabi na lang ako inaatake ng magkakahalong galit, takot, at pangamba sa uncertainties ng mundo.

May guilt feeling din siguro akong naramdaman nun, well, hanggang ngayon pa rin naman, e ang daming nagugutom at hirap na hirap ngayon. Samantalang ako, ito, nakakapagpa-GrabFood at FoodPanda pa kung may cravings. Online shopping ka pa ghorl. Maswerte na lang din siguro ako na maski nawalan ako ng trabaho nung Mayo, mabilis din akong nakahanap ng bago.

Kaya rin siguro ang tapang kong tanggapin ang offer ng retrenchment ng kumpanya kahit na may option na mag-stay ang isang writer, e lahat kami umalis. Kasi parang confident ako nun na magaling naman ako hahaha. Pero sa totoo lang ha, nung mga nakalimang send na ko ng resume sa mga gusto kong pasukan tas walang sumasagot sa ‘kin, medyo nagduda na rin ako sa capabilities ko. Tipong shet, tanginacca, galing-galingan ka lang naman talaga. Lamo yung feeling mo di sapat lahat ng nagawa mo o awards mo o recognitions mo sa resume mo kasi laging may mas magaling sa ‘yo? Ultimo kursong kinuha mo minsan kukwestyunin mo na pati yung ulam mo nung araw na nag-decide kang okay, let go na, yoko na.

Mabuti na lang din talaga may emergency fund ako nun so nakukumbinsi ko pa sarili ko na, “okay lang, nakakapag-milk tea pa naman ako. Okay pa ko.” Hahaha! Kaya mga bata, mag-ipon. Ni sa hinagap, di ko inisip na gagamitin ko ang emergency fund ko para sa pandemic, akala ko sa mga pa-hospital o biglaang gastos na kailangan ng pera, pero hindi. Sobrang shet sa ganitong panahon na never kong naisip na mararanasan ko. Kaya sobrang pasalamat kong nakinig ako sa mga kaopisina ko noon na mag-ipon kami.

Isang buwan mahigit ako nawalan ng work. Mga two weeks akong nagpakatambay. As in nanonood lang ako ng K drama. Feeling ko nga magaling na ko mag-Hangul aywow. Ang ibig kong sabihin, yung mga madalas nila sa sabihin, naiintindihan ko na. Yun lang naman. Ang dami kong bininge watch. As in kailangan niya ng separate blog post para sa mga reaction at feelingz ko. Promise, gagawan ko yan!

Tapos nun, kinontak ako ng dating prod house na pinagsusulatan ko, tas ayun, binigyan nila ako ng project kasi laid off ang ate ninyo, naawa na magutom ako by next year hahaha kaya may income pa rin na pumasok. Tas few days later, akalain mo yun, tinext ako ng isa ko pang dating boss tapos gusto ko raw bang mag-apply sa kanila, aba! Syempre naman! Mabuti na lang nga at meron akong civil service eligibility. Mabuti na lang talaga at pinilit ako ni Wangie (mama ko) na mag-take ng exam kahit di ko naman talaga trip nung 2016. Parang nag-align talaga ang universe, hindi raw ako magugutom sa gitna ng pandemya. Naisip ko sabi siguro ni Lord sa ‘kin, “tanga-tanga mo ‘nak, di ka kasi para dun sa mga ina-apply-an mo. Ito o, inaayos ko na nga. Di ba gusto mo public service. Kulit ka e. Excited ka e.”

Parang ngayon lang ako sinwerte, kako. Pero sabi naman ng kaibigan ko nung sinabi ko sa kanyang, “sinasabi ko sa ‘yo ‘to kahit hindi pa done deal kasi malakas ka kay Lord. Pagdasal mo na makuha ako. ‘Pag ako kasi parang di ako naririnig,” ang sabi niya sa ‘kin gaga raw ako for thinking na hindi ako maswerte kasi sa lahat daw ng mga ganitong hanash ko, lagi naman akong inilalayo sa mga boss o circumstances na hindi na umaayon sa life plans ko (kala mo naman talaga may life plans) hahahahahaha kasi sa totoo lang, gusto ko na rin namang mag-resign sa dati kong trabaho dahil hindi na aligned ang mission ng kumpanya sa mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. Natauhan ako. Oo nga. Tama naman siya. Since last year, seryosong kinukunsidera ko ng kumuha ng masteral sa dev comm kasi gusto ko sana mapunta sa linyang nakikita mo talagang may impact ka. Totoo ngang hindi naman ako mahina dun, hindi pa nga ko nagdadasal kay Buddha, Allah, Mother of Perpetual Help at sa mga anito, binibigay na sa ‘kin. Dahil dyan… Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

So that’s career/work-wise.

Tapos nung July, parang naisip ko, bukod sa kokonting phrases ng Koryan na alam ko, wala naman akong bagong learnings. Tinatamad akong magbasa, tinatamad akong magsulat, tinatamad ako gumamit ng matindihang sunugan ng utak, pero gusto ko pa rin matuto. Hanggang sa isa sa mga usual muni-muni days ko, napaisip ako kung kaya ko nga bang turuan sarili ko tumugtog ng instrument gamit lang ang YouTube University of Music and Arts? Alam ko nabanggit ko na ‘to sa naunang blog dito – na bumili ako ng ukulele. Wala ko magawa sa pera ko e. Charot!

So bale naisip ko, win-win-win! I’d get my hands off my phone so hindi na ko mag-scroll sa mga balitang feeling ko magpapababa ng immune system ko, hindi ako nagne-Netflix lang o nabo-bore sa bahay o nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano, at nagagamit ko ang utak ko dahil may bago akong natutunan in the process! Worth it naman mga besh. Marunong na nga akong tumugtog ng ilang piyesa tulad ng Exploration No. 5, Your Song at With A Smile – yan yung mga nabuo kong una. Yung iba, mga chorus o first verses and chorus tas di ko pa tinatapos or di ko pa na-video ng buo so tingin ko di ko pa buo? Marami-rami na rin, mapupuno na nga yata phone ko sa mga video ko sa sarili ko hahaha vain much?

Kung kaibigan kita sa mga social media, pagpasensyahan niyo na kung puro amateur uke playing na accompanied ng hindi kagandahang boses ko ang nakikita mo sa IG stories ko. Pili ka – yun, quarantine recipes ko o rants ko sa gobyerno?

May pang-apat pa palang win yan! Mas nama-manage ko na yung mental health ko sa panahong ‘to. Nagugulat na lang ako minsan na ay bed time ko na pala. So hindi na ko makakarinig masyado ng masasamang balita beyond 9pm, mas peaceful na nga ang buhay ko.

Naisip ko ring maigi na rin sigurong matapos ang taon na may bago akong skill bukod sa pagtatanim (malaki na yung iba naming tanim!!!) at hindi ako babalik sa taong ito na puro lungkot at kahirapan ng buhay lang ang maaalala ko.

Sa kabilang banda, nami-miss ko na rin ang old normal. Nung unang i-announce ang lockdown, naisip kong hindi naman siguro ako masyadong magsa-struggle. Bilang homebody at 70% introvert, hindi big deal sa ‘kin ang hindi lumabas ng bahay. Sa katunayan, tuwing uuwi ako ng bahay mula sa trabaho o sa pakikipagkita sa mga kaibigan pre-pandemic, pagod na pagod ako hindi dahil sa work, minsan dahil sa pakikipag-usap sa mga tao o pag-interview sa kanila o chika chika, kailangan ko talagang mag-reconnect sa sarili ko gabi-gabi. Kung hindi, maloloka ako. Chos.

Pero mga ‘day, umabot naman na ng 5 buwan ang lockdown, ibang usapan naman na yun. Nami-miss ko na makita mga pamangkin ko, mga kaibigan. Miss ko na yung 4:30 habit namin sa opisina na merienda. Miss ko na maglakad sa mall mag-isa at mag-window shop kapag bored ako sa bahay tas uuwi akong masaya kahit nabudol ng Watson’s o Landmark. Pati pag-people watch nami-miss ko na rin. Yung umuwi ng bahay ng hindi nagmamadaling maligo dahil di mo alam kung may inuwi ka bang virus. Manood ng sine! Kumain sa labas! Videoke with friends! Mag-beach! Huhu mag-beach!

Pero ang pinakanami-miss ko? Tange, hindi samgyup!

Yung lumabas ng bahay na wala kang inaalala. Miss ko nga rin pala ang pagsakay ng jeep, lalo ang pagiging Angkas loyalist ko huhuhuhuhu. Ang mahal-mahal ng pamasahe ko to and from work, sa totoo lang. Mabuti na lang naka-two week work schedule lang kami so pwede na rin, mej tipid na yung kalahating buwan kasi hindi ka na lalabas. Grabe ang mahal na ng taxi! Lalo ng Grab! Nakakatakot namang mag-commute di ba kasi shet mas maraming high touch areas at taong kasama ka. May takot na yata ako sa mga mararaming tao, napapaatras ako, sa true lang.

Gusto ko na ulit makatipid sa pamasahe, mag-abot ng pamasahe, hindi manikip ang dibdib tuwing biglang naubo o nasasamid ang taxi o Grab driver na nasakyan ko, hindi mag-dry ang mga palad kaka-alcohol, hindi mag-mask, hindi production number tuwing lalabas ng bahay. But what can we do? Wala e. Ganito na tayo ngayon.

On a lighter note, alam mo bang ang saya ko nang ma-discover ko ang YouTube channel ni Rico Blanco? Ang saya panoorin ng content niya, isa siyang major throwback sa panahong ang dali ng daloy ng buhay. Sana mas marami pa siyang gawing vlog na hindi tungkol sa basketball kasi wala naman akong alam dun! Yes, ako lang ang audience? Sana rin si Ebe magkaroon na ng sarili niyang vlog. Napakinggan ko yung two-part episode niya sa Linya-Linya podcast at ang engaging niya at insightful at naisip ko agad na shet, ang sarap lang makinig dito kay Tito Ebe habang naglilinis ako ng kwarto o umiinom ng milk tea.

Oo nga pala! Virgo season na nitong nakaraang linggo, sabi ng mga astrologers at Refinery 29, o di ba, uztomoyoin resources ko ang legit hahaha, ito na talaga season na ibabalik natin sa ayos ang mga bagay-bagay after nating mag-enjoy sa party season ng mga papampam na Leo. Chos. Tas since mahilig kami gumawa ng mga to-do list (nasa to-do list ko ‘tong blog update na ‘to sshhh), e mas mao-organize mo raw ngayon ang mga bagay-bagay.

Pero dahil materialistic ang Virgos, shet ito talaga sisisihin ko sa recent online purchases ko, e mas malakas ang hatak ng pagbili ng mga bagay. Buong lockdown hindi ako bumili ng mga unnecessary stuff, tas pagpasok ng linggong ‘to, aba! Apat na dress checkout, lace bralettes and undies na di ko naman kailangan dahil marami naman ako nyan, hala sige checkout! Pinigilan ko pa sarili ko nyan ha! Extra hamper lang naman talaga dapat bibilhin ko dahil need ko ng separate hamper for clothes worn outside the house sa clothes na sa bahay lang ginamit. Haynako talaga. Tapos gusto ko rin bumili ng vacuum cleaner para mas malinis yung kwarto ko tsaka air fryer kahit hindi ko naman talaga kailangan huhuhu. Please don’t take all my money, Virgo season. Kailangan ko pa i-replenish yung mga utang to self ko dahil nawalan ako ng work at kinailangang bumili ng bagong laptop.

Hay. Ayun. Yun lang naman yata so far. Ay hindi! So kahapon nakakita ako ng post na yung uso ngayon na leave a dot kemer tapos may sasabihin ka. Ang usual yung compliment me, make me feel good about myself kinembot! Naaalibadbaran ako. Masyado siyang fishing for me. Okay, erase. Siguro hindi fishing, we all need some kind of validation naman talaga. Basta it’s not for me, kaya hindi ako nag-abala magsagot o mag-share. Pero yung kanina, leave a dot and I will give you a compliment. Hindi para sa ‘kin, para sa ibang tao. So, G!

And you know what I realized? Ito yung araw na ang dami kong sinabihan ng maganda ka, matalino ka, proud ako sa ‘yo, etc. Talaga ngang ang kuripot ko sa compliments. Noon pa man, hindi ko sasabihin ang feedback ko unless sobrang overwhelmed ko o birthday mo. Lol. Wala lang, for me kasi, words are overrated. Writer pa ko niyan ha. HAHAHA. I’d rather go for people who take action kesa sa puro kuda o tapos?

Sabi nga ni Chinny, kapag nag-rave ako about sa isang bagay o tao o lugar o pelikula, naniniwala siya. Kasi sa dalang ko magsabi ng compliment, alam daw niyang totoo yung sasabihin ko. Di ko alam kung good o bad thing yun. Kaya naman ewan ko ba, sobrang nabuo yung araw ko sa pagbibigay ng compliments o mga paborito kong memories sa mga tao. Madali lang naman pala. Masaya naman palang paminsan-minsan e mapangiti mga tao when I tell them how I really feel about them. Or how I appreciate them, hindi ko lang talaga sinasabi.

Totoo ngang hindi tayo dapat maging madamot sa pagbibigay ng compliments, kasi libre naman yun. Libre pala magpangiti ng mga tao or make them feel appreciated in 240 characters or less. Totoo ngang kung ano ang i-put out mo sa mundo, yun ang babalik sa ‘yo. Some friends also left compliments for me kahit hindi yun ang gusto kong mangyari hahaha pero kung inaaral kong magbigay ng compliments more frequently, di ba dapat matuto rin akong tumanggap nito? And for some reason, how is it that I was the one giving compliments yet I feel the happiest? This is really something new for me. Ang gaan-gaan sa pakiramdam.

Bago rin sa pandinig mo mga sinasabi ko sa parteng ‘to ‘no? Off brand ‘no? Hahaha!

Haaay. Ayun. Yun ako since we last talked. Kung last year pa tayo huling nagkita.

O, ikaw? Yung totoo. Kumusta ka na? Hindi yung “okay lang.” 400 words minimum. Kumusta ka? Makikinig ako. Pangako.

 

I Took The COVID-19 RT-PCR Test. Here’s What Happened

(a life update of sorts)

Last Monday, July 13, everyone in our department was scheduled to take the COVID swab test (for free!) since a lot of us in the office have been going out and in general, to ensure that we’re all safe from the dreaded virus and will not become carriers to our loved ones, clients, friends, Romans, countrymen, you know the drill.

Pagdating sa testing center, chukingina, grabe kabog ng puso ko. Tapos for some reason, parang pineplema ako na ewan hahahaha. What iz diz? Ito na ba ang simula ng wakas?

Sa lahat ng naka-experience ng swab test at sinasabing masakit, yes, I concur. Mesheket. Yung sakit na para kang pinasukan ng tubig na  may chlorine sa ilong kapag nag-swimming ka, only this time, solid siya.  Ibang klase yung effort to restrain yourself na itulak yung taga-swab. Parang yung restraint din na gusto mong sipain yung teh ghorl pag nagpapa-brazilian wax ka lol. Yung sa pharyngeal swab, saks lang pero parang nagka-sore throat ako after. Ewan, baka mabigat lang kamay nung gumawa sa ‘kin.

Una, kukuha sila ng swab tapos ipapasok sa butas ng ilong, isuksok hanggang sa malapit na sa utak mo (ganun yung feeling lol) iikot, iikot, iikot, tapos uwu hindi pa nakuntento yung taga-Red Cross na kyah, nilipat pa sa kabilang butas ng ilong, para yata fair, di ko alam. Tapos ilalagay niya yung swab sa isang container. Kumuha ulit siya ng isa pang swab, pinababa ng fully ang mask. Nganga. Labas dila. Swab sa magkabilang sides ng throat or basta sa left and right na katabi ng tonsils mo, throat na ba yun? I don’t know the exact name, hindi ako  EENT doctor for a reason. Lol. Log details and done! The entire procedure is done in under two minutes.

You know what doesn’t take two minutes? Yung agony and anxiety and stress ng paghihintay ng test results. Hindi siya nakakatuwang experience.

TBH, even before I got swabbed, I’ve been feeling anxious ever since I started going out of the house again to process papers for my employment. Mas heightened lang ngayon. I mean, the amount of people I’ve encountered on those days and the number of people who aren’t wearing their masks properly are enough to make me feel uneasy. I know I follow all safety protocols. I wear a mask, sanitize and wash hands frequently, maintain physical distance, I do not touch my face with unclean hands, and I take a bath as soon as I come home.

But even with that knowledge in mind, I still had fears of testing positive with the veerus. Kasi naman, you’ll never know until you get tested e, di ba? So to prep, I wrote all the names of the people I had close contact with in the last two weeks, and pucha, umabot ng more than ten. You know how all those visual representations of how virus spreads? Totoo siya. Imagine, kung may sakit na ko nun, ilang tao yung probably nahawaan ko. Paano ko ita-track yung mga taxi drivers na nasakyan ko? I even hugged and kissed Andres, for fork’s sake! Horrendous! I kept praying I wouldn’t have to tell them the rehearsed line I have in my mind should the test come back positive.

Look at this cutie na posibleng ipapahamak ko huhuhuhu

Aside from that, I was also thinking about the steps I should take if I receive the bad news. Aabot ba yung savings ko? Madali kayang pumila sa PCSO? Uutangan ko ba savings ni Andres pag naubos ko yung akin? BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Magpo-post na ba ko ng “Twitter please do your thing?” Pwede ko siguro benta yung book ko in e-book format for the treatment para hindi siya donation. Sasabihin ko ba kay mama? Baka mauna pa siyang mamatay sa ‘kin sa nerbyos/sakit sa puso. Ano kayang gagawin ko while in isolation? Pwede kaya ‘to as second book? Isali ko kaya sa Palanca? HAHAHAHA. As in motherforker, literal na ang dami palang papasok sa utak mo hahahaha. Natatawa lang ako pero minsan hindi ako makahinga nang maayos just thinking about contracting the virus. Ang dami-dami-dami ko pang gustong gawin. May season 2 pa ng Hospital Playlist next year lol. Hindi siya healthy. I swear to God, mauuna akong mamatay sa anxiety kesa sa sakit.

On some days while waiting for the result, I’d think about the times where could I have gotten it. Sa Grab ba? Sa taxi? Sa office? Sa perang isinukli sa kin ni Kuya FoodPanda kahit inaalcohol-an ko naman? Sa grocery? Sinong gago makapal mukha ang nanghawa sa ‘kin why didn’t you motherfuckers stay at hooooome?! Stay at hooooome. Chos. Putangina ng gobyerno bakit niyo pinabayaang umabot sa ganito?! Ito hindi chos.

The truth is, my mind became a forking hell. It is not the good place it used to be. (get it, get it? Haha)

It’s so hellish that it even came to a point that my anxiety is manifesting physically. Alam kong hindi lang ako ang nakakaranas nito. Aside from having a hard time breathing, nagkakasakit ako. Which is not good in this time of COVID, ano ho? I’ve experienced this before as well in the first few days of quarantine. Literal na nilagnat ako. At mag-isa lang ako sa bahay. Walang stock ng gamot. Walang thermometer to even check kung praning ba ko o nilalagnat talaga ako.

Ngingiti-ngiti yan pero praning na yan kakahintay ng resulta ng test niya

This time, there’s a perennial lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away. Eloisa, my friend and housemate, knows this. Sa kanya ako nagsasabi ng, “is this COVID or is this how having a throat feels like?” Thank you beks for always reassuring me na stress lang ito at sa panahon at hindi ako nag-uwi ng virus sa bahay hahahhaha. I’ve sucked on an entire pack of Strepsils. It comes and goes. Depende sa naiisip ko. Then I also tried drinking ginger tea. This one greatly helped. I felt good right after. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve Googled “COVID-19 symptoms” on my phone.

Last Saturday, surprisingly, nawala yung sakit after ng online mananita ni Keng on Facebook where we talked about our fears and how we’re coping in this time. I figured, aahh, baka I need a diversion until the result comes out. So I went back to journaling, which helped. Na-miss ko mag-brain dump without having to re-edit and censor my thoughts because wala namang ibang magbabasa niyan. I also started going back to meditating after noticing that the 5-7-8 breathing technique is no longer helping me as much as it used to. We also started an urban garden! And then there’s Ghost Fighter. Na iniisip ko bakit ko ba to nagustuhan nung elementary, apaka-basic. Pangit ng pagkakasulat. Hahaha.

But still I find them not enough. Kasi I still open my social media, the epicenter, the main source of my anxiety. So I opt to limiting my soc med use. Because I could also never really tell you guys to stop ranting on social media because I do it, too. It’s part of how I cope e. I cannot control your posts.

But here’s the thing. I can however, control what I can see and read. At this point, I would also like to ask friends to limit ranting to me at the moment about the government’s inefficiencies in handling this pandemic, unless I started venting first, because nati-trigger talaga ako. Or, you can also ask me if it’s a good time to vent. I’d do the same from now on. As a general rule, wag niyo ko i-PM about it ng 9pm onwards because dadalhin ko siya hanggang pagtulog hahaha. Thank you for understanding.

K-drama topics, movies and other chika are welcome beyond 9pm hahaha. Especially Jung Hae In photos and videos hehehe.

On the fifth day, stress na stress na ko. I know that no news should be treated as good news. But I really want to know.

Uke arrived this Saturday and it has prevented me from constantly checking my phone

The craziest thing I did while waiting it out? I bought a ukulele. Lol. I’ve had it for two days now and wow, as in, nakakakalma siya. I already know 4 chords and I can “play” You Are My Sunshine and Rip Tide. Lelz. I’m liking this so far. I just figured I’d be better off learning a new skill than stress out every free time I have. But learning to play an instrument is for another story. Hehe.

Sooo… if anybody knows how to properly handle this kind of anxiety, please shoot me a message. Hahaha. I cannot bake because I don’t have an oven. Also, lahat kayo bakers na so ibahin ko yung akin. Mas mura pati ang uke kesa sa oven and other baking essentials at wala akong balak maging IG seller ng crinkles because wala akong tiyaga mag-answer ng HM kahit andun na yung presyo.

So ayun na nga. Dami ko sinabi. Today, July 21, 2020, after 8 long days, I finally received the good news. Ya girl tested negative for the veerus. Para akong nakahinga ng maluwag. Namula ako ng bongga. Jusko, thank you Lord. Epeks naman lahat ng preventive measures.

Mapapadasal ka talaga kahit hindi ka relihiyosong tao. I even told a few friends (aside from family) after the taking the test who are also my prayer warriors to help me pray and “think negative.” Worked!

Praying so damn hard it stays this way until a vaccine becomes available because sayang naman lahat ng Vitamin C at B-complex na ininom ko, lahat ng tubig with lemon na nilalaklak ko, lahat ng prutas at gulay at pagtulog ko nang mas maaga kahit papaano to boost my immune system, di ba? Laban lang, immune system. Di tayo pinalaki ng Sexbomb para bumawi. Pati na rin yung mga binili kong mask filters at masks at yung pagda-dry ng kamay ko kaka-hugas at alcohol kaya mga baks, utang na loob, magsuot kayo ng masks. PROPERLY. Yung takip buong ilong at bibig mo. Walangya. Pagod na pagod na ko manita in a very nice way ng mga nakikita kong hindi maayos mag-mask, because hindi naman ako very nice na tao. Shuta. Umayos kayo. Dumistansya. Ang dami-dami kong gustong yakaping tao, di ko magawa. Bilisan na natin mawala ‘to. Lastly, keep on pagsingil sa gobyernong ‘to kung paano nila tayo “binusabos” ngayong panahon ng pandemya. Walang makakalimot.

‘Yun lang.

TL; DR

Masakit magpa-swab test pero mas masakit sa buong pagkatao yung paghihintay ng result. Negative ako sa COVID-19!

Answering ‘Adulting’ Questions from Facebook

Tinatamad pa talaga ko maghanap ng trabaho. Sabi ni Jolens sagutan ko na raw itong mga tanong tungkol sa crush ko pero syempre ayoko, paano kung biglang maligaw yung crush ko dito tas mag-feeling siya bigla? Hahaha. Hello? So ito na lang, para kunwari productive ako ngayong araw at on brand naman sa ‘tin bilang tita ang mga adulting eme na ganito, ano?

May isang Facebook group akong kinabibilangan, tapos may nag-post dun ng ano raw adulting questions mga bagets tas daming nagtanong at sumagot. Habang tina-type ko ‘to, nasa 1.4k na ang comments. Ang saya basahin, kung marami kang time at hindi rin marunong mag-adult. Marami rin akong time pero syempre, sa dami ng sagot, natabunan na. So naisip kong pipili ako ng Top 10 questions tapos sasagutin ko because dalawang buwan na kong walang content hahaha. Tsaka kunwari ano, sikat tayo tas directed at us talaga itong questions na ito. Tipong yung mga Buzzfeed-type videos na Carmina Mones plays with puppies while answering adulting questions. Ganyan.

 

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Ano po advice niyo sa mga nagkaka-existential crisis ngayon? Ang hirap kasi nung di mo alam kung ano yung plans mo in the future.

Tara, e-numan tayo. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam plans ko sa future. Ni hindi ko alam kung relevant pa ba ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko bago dumating ang pandemyang ito. Sa kasalukuyan, meron din akong existential crisis na tinatapalan ko ng pakikipaglaro sa pamangkin kong si Andres o pagbabad sa Korean drama o di naman kaya sa social media at pagsagot ng mga ganitong bagay. Mas madali kasing tumakas, sa totoo lang. Pero may mga araw na mapapa-“huy, Carmina! Ano na plano natin?!” ka talaga. At sa ngayon, ang ginagawa ko ay yung natutunan ko pa rin sa last kong work, na alam ko nabanggit ko na rin dito noon. Ito yung framework (wuw may framework):

where I am now: describe mo anong situation mo, mas vivid, mas okay yan

where do I want to go: same sa taas, describe, in five years, in ten years, ano dapat ang nagawa mo na, nasaan ka na? Like anong ginagawa mo right at this very moment?

how do I get there: ngayon, anong steps sa tingin mo ang dapat mong gawin para magkatotoo yung nasa taas? Kung marami kang isinulat sa taas, mag-prioritize ka. Alin dyan pinaka-importantest para sa ‘yo?

May shinare rin ang kaibigan kong si Chinny na article nung recent na usapan namin nito lang after namin mawalan ng work: para mag-recalibrate ng sarili mo, maglista ka raw ng mga priorities mo according sa practice ni Warren Buffet. Long story short, list down your top 25 priorities. Then bilugan mo yung top 5. The rest of the 20, ilagay mo sa “avoid at all cost” list. Kasi raw, 20% of our priorities account for 80% of our results, mas focused ka sa kokonting bagay, mas successful ka. Siguro ganyan, baka magbasa-basa rin ng mga bagay na makakapag-refocus at re-organize ng buhay mo. Balitaan niyo ko kung gumana sa inyo, try ko rin. Charot.

When to career-shift?

Kapag may bagay kang gustong gawin na hindi na nafu-fulfill ng current mong ginagawa. Kapag may nagging feeling na, “hindi ko ‘to dapat na ginagawa” or dina-drag mo na ang sarili mo papasok ng opisina at as in wala ka ng motivation para sa trabaho mo, yun na!

When is the good time to invest and which are the good investment, para hindi lang puro sahod sa full time job yung pumapasok na pera. Also, what are things you wished you knew when you were just started sa adulting?

The best time to invest financially is if may emergency fund ka na na worth 3-6 mos. ng cost of living/expenses mo na liquid para sa mga panahong tulad ngayon. Tapos savings kahit konti lang na pwede mo ring pagkuhanan. Yung karugtong na tanong parang sa stocks na ‘no? Wala akong alam sa stocks, bukod sa PruLife VUL ko na insurance na may kasamang investment, pagbili ko ng stocks sa business ng dati kong boss (di ko na natanong ano na balita dito haha), at sa naging mutual fund ko sa Sunlife dahil di nila ko in-approve na VUL, wala na kong ibang investment. Sa kung sinumang may alam sa stocks na makakapagbasa nito, pakibigay ng payo ninyo, need ko rin. Hehe.

Sana alam ko na noon pa paano tamang i-budget pera ko. Dami ko na sigurong ipon ngayon. Sana lagi akong nagjo-journal kasi ang saya balikan ng kahapon, dami ko ring learnings sa old self ko. Sinasabi ko pa rin sa sarili ko yan jusko saan na ba bullet journal ko puro breakdown ng budget na lang content nun.

Paano po mahalin ang sarili? Is there an indicator po para malaman if I’m doing it right? How does if feel po ba huhuhu and if ever, gaya din po siya ng case when someone loves you?

Simple. Be the best girlfriend you can be to yourself. You’re doing it right if you are happier, and more content, and confident about yourself. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you para alam mo rin na when you’re not being treated right, iwan mo na. May standards tayo dito ganoin.

Una nagsimula ako sa skincare, tapos sa meditation, tapos sa pagbalik sa pagbabasa at panonood ng mga bagay na makaka-enrich sa ‘kin as a person – either plain entertainment or practical learning. Then I’ve started saying “Yes” to myself more. Sabi nga ng Ben&Ben, “pipiliin ka araw-araw.” In this case, piliin mo sarili mo. Lalo kung wala kang sinasagasaang ibang tao.

Anong mga unang dapat gawin pagka-hit ng legal age (18 years old)?

No shit, a day after I turned 18, sinamahan ako ng tatay ko magparehistro sa COMELEC. Granted, dahil yun sa tatakbo siya sa pagka-chairman sa darating na eleksyon nung time na yun, pero still one of the best decisions I’ve done. Lalo kung marami kang opinyon sa gobyerno. Ang hirap na puro ka reklamo pero di ka naman kumikilos sa pagluklok ng mga taong may kakayahang baguhin ang estado ng mga mamamayan sa bansa mo. Lalo sa panahon ngayon. Ganti tayo sa 2022!

How to stay passionate or motivated?

You start with your ‘why’. Napaka-passing ng mga bagay-bagay so dapat lahat ng gagawin mo rooted sa ‘why’ mo. Mas nagiging gritty ang isang tao kung yung ginagawa niya ay powered by purpose, not by sparks of inspiration. Then focus on the hows and whats para ma-achieve mo anuman yung goal mo. Learned this from Simon Sinek. 🙂

Paano po masasabi na hindi ka na “bagets” at “adult” ka na pala?

Kapag nasasabi mo na yung linyang: “nung panahon namin…” hahahaha! Srsly, though, kapag ikaw na talaga responsable sa sarili mong buhay. Yung mga decision mo mga 10 times mo na iniisip yung implications sa mga bagay at taong importante sa buhay mo. Kapag ang dami mo ng bills haha.

(What to do with people) Shoving their opinions on how you will decide on things na dapat yun sundin mo?

Ikaw ba nagpapakain sa ‘kin? Nakatira ba ko sa ‘yo? Binibigyan mo ba ako ng allowance? Wangie, Intoy, kayo ba yan? If yes, then siyempre naman may factor yang opinion mo sa buhay ko. If none of the above, nagma-matter ba sa ‘kin ang opinyon mo sa buhay ko? Hiningi ko ba? Kasi nanghihingi lang ako ng opinyon sa mga taong nagma-matter sa buhay ko. Buhay mo? Buhay mo? Haha. Kung hindi kita hiningian nito, get your hands off my damn business. But say it in a nicer way, di ko kaya yun e.

Job interview do’s and dont’s

Huh. I’ve written an entire blog about this here. But if you want an updated copy, please buy a copy of my book, Adulting and Winging It! Hahaha. I’m not even kidding. I’ve interviewed an HR professional and asked some friends on their best practices as well. O ‘di ba, nag-promote lang, akala mo naman may kopya pa siya hahaha. E-book version na lang meron. Lol.

Is there such thing as consulting about financial literacy and investments from someone na hindi ka balak bentahan ng insurance?

Meron naman! Actually, I had a subject in college called Personal Financial Management na hindi ko sineryoso, so sising-sisi ako when I realized na fuck, kailangan ko mag-ipon to live a comfortable life because I wasn’t privileged enough to be born into a wealthy family. So kayod tayo. Anyway, there are blogs out there that talks about handling your finances. My sister introduced me to Vince Rapisura’s channel when it comes to handling your finances. What I liked about his channel is hindi siya mahirap intindihin lalo ng mga masang Pilipino at mahina sa math haha kasi ine-explain niya nang maayos and in Tagalog. Hindi siya nagbebenta ng insurance. Lol.

How to deal with toxic relatives po?

I think para sa ‘kin talaga ‘tong question na ‘to. Lol. Una, distance yourself from toxic relatives. I can’t remember the last time I attended a family reunion because a big chunk of my family are people I do not want to mingle with anymore. It’s not just the whole “kelan ka mag-aasawa” questions, but the judgments sa kung paano ko mabuhay and my decisions in life. Hellooo. Mama at Papa ko nga, hindi ako pinakielaman, sinuportahan pa ko, tas ikaw? Lalo yung mga porket matanda sila sa ‘yo ‘kala nila sila lang yung tama. Ugh.

Yung mga gusto ko pang mag-stay sa buhay ko, I stay in touch with them as much as I can. My parents hate me for being like this, but this is my life and this is how I want to live. There are a lot of times wherein hindi mo na nga maasahan ang “pamilya” mo, ichi-chismis ka pa. So para saan pa, di ba? If you can’t avoid them, bawasan na lang ang social interaction with them. Or at least be polite and civil kung makikita mo in person. Kung sa social media naman, the unfollow and block button are there at your disposal.

 

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At dahil uso naman ang tanungan ng ambag ngayon, kung binabasa mo ito at may sagot ka sa mga tanong sa itaas, share mo na rin! Or kung may tanong ka, o sige, sagutin na rin natin, tutal pare-parehas pa rin naman tayong nakakulong sa mga bahay natin dahil napakainutil ng gobyernong ‘to. Bye.

 

*photo mula sa Unsplash. Shelemet mars Emily Morter.

Staying Sane in the time of Corona

Last Friday, pagkabalik namin mula sa tatlong araw na team building sa Batangas, diretso ako agad sa grocery to stock up on items I’d need for a month of lockdown quarantine. After ko makipagpagdigma sa dalawang grocery store para makumpleto ang nasa listahan ko, umuwi akong ubos na ubos na. Note: Ubos din ang bawang. Di ko alam bakit. Baka bampira ang virus, kaya may curfew ng 8pm-5am.

Understandably, sobrang nakaka-drain ang mga recent na pangyayari. Muntik na kong maiyak sa sobrang overwhelm sa lahat. Hindi pa nakakatulong yung enhanced community quarantine ng gobyerno ngayon, lalo na ang unintelligible presscon ni Duterte. Lalo na yung mga kaibigan mong hanggang ngayon naniniwala pa rin sa gobyernong ‘to. Ewan. Sabi ng isa kong kaibigan, kung wala ka naman daw maitutulong, at puro kuda ka lang, wag ka na lang magsalita. At the end of the day, susunod ka rin naman daw. E bakit si Duterte? Kumuda lang ng kumuda on national TV, wala rin namang naitulong na matino IMO, pero sinasanto niyo pa rin? Tapos sabi niya, let’s pray.

Sobrang saturated na ng social media, ang dami ng nagsalita. Toxic na nga raw dahil we have the worst citizens. Sumunod na lang kasi kayo! Pero shet, paisa lang dito.

Ang good news ay naka-work from home kaming lahat sa opisina. Ang bad news, ang dami mo ngayong time para mag-isip nang mag-isip sa mga bagay-bagay tulad ng, “Shet, naubo ako, ito na ba ang simula ng wakas?” “Shet, naubuhan ako nung bata sa laundry nung nakaraang linggo, is she my murderer?” Dagdag pa nating may isa ng namatay sa Sampaloc, kung saan less than a kilometer ang layo sa bahay ng pamilya ko. Sabi ni papa, hindi raw muna niya ko dadalawin dito sa QC. Precautionary measures lang. Madalas ko ngayong ka-chat yung pamangkin ko, madalas kami mag-I love you-han hahaha. Na-appreciate ko naman. Pero tangina, mamamatay na ba ko? Dapat ko na bang ihanda ang playlist ko sa burol ko? Magkakaburol ba ko dahil bawal ang mass gathering? yabang maraming dadalaw sa ‘yo, ghorl? Lol. Asymptomatic ba ko? Hirap kapag hindi mo nakikita yung kaaway mo e. Anong uulamin ko mamaya? I AM SO FUCKING MAD AT THIS FUCKING GOVERNMENT! Kelan pa naging sagot sa pandemic ang kapulisan? TEST KITS! Disinfect public spaces! I mean gets for peace and order yung pulis, but do they even have PPEs to begin with? Saan dadalhin kapag nagpakita ka ng symptoms? Why do they have firearms? Do we gun down the veerus? (I commented on a friend’s [who I now unfriended] post this and someone said, ang kulit ko raw e malamang sarcasm yun? Pano barilin virus? Ang tanga lang). Why do we even give this president a fucking platform to ramble for minutes on end tapos wala namang substance? Asan ang TEST KITS!!!! Why don’t we tell people na “hoy, bobo, kapag di ka pumirmi sa bahay mo, makakapanghawa ka kung may sakit ka na pala di mo lang alam. Gusto mo ikaw maging cause ng pagkamatay ng pamilya mo?” instead of “hindi ito martial law” bakit sobrang defensive? Anong plano sa mga “no work, no pay?” Bakit ang daming kuda ng privileged people? Netflix and chill? For workers na isang kahig, isang tuka paano sila mag-stay sa bahay? On a scale of 1 to James Deakin, gaano ka ka-out of touch sa reality? Bakit puro “When in doubt, NO.” Wala ba kayong group chat? This whole presscon is a classic example of a meeting that should’ve been sent as an email. TEST KITS!!!

Hindi nakakatuwa basahin ‘no? Labo. Parang si Duterte. Yung takbo ng utak ko hindi humihinto. Lahat yan sabay-sabay na umaandar sa utak ko. And so I approached a wellness coach and told her I think I’m having anxiety attacks. And she taught me the 4-7-8 technique.

The 4-7-8 breathing technique requires a person to focus on taking a long, deep breath in and out. Rhythmic breathing is a core part of many meditation and yoga practices as it promotes relaxation.

Dr. Andrew Weil teaches the 4-7-8 breathing technique, which he believes can help with reduce anxiety, get sleep, manage cravings, and control or reduce anger responses.

If you’d ask me, this is something we all need. For days, we’ve all been focusing on our physical wellbeing that we may have forgotten about our mental health as well. I wasn’t even thinking about it until the adrenaline rush stopped and everything started dawning on me that, “Fuck. This is truly happening.”

And so I confided in her, and she told me to do this technique. I did it. And then I started to calm the fuck down. So if you feel like you need to calm down as well, here’s how to do it:

Focus on the following breathing pattern: breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and then exhale through the mouth for 8 seconds. Repeat four times. Or until you feel better.

Another thing that I realized was helpful was doing things in routine. I realized that when I was doing my skincare, which is a daily routine of mine, I usually feel some sort of peacefulness. Because nga alam ko na yung pagkakasunud-sunod. No surprises. No “Hello! 140 na nga pala ang cases natin pero magra-rant lang ako sa bashers ko online re martial law, veerus, at hindi pagpapasalamat sa health workers!”

Or watching a movie you’ve seen before. Nothing will surprise you anymore if you watch a movie you’ve seen a thousand times before. Last night, I watched Pitch Perfect 3 for the first time. Granted, it’s not a movie I’ve seen before. Labo. But I’m sure as hell I’m getting a happy ending!

If that still doesn’t work, try doing household chores to keep yourself busy. I disinfected doorknobs and other surfaces earlier while listening to podcasts and that somehow soothed me. I prepped meals for the week, did a batch of laundry and cleaned the kitchen. In general, do something that you are in control of.

E tapos nawala yung zen ko nung nanood ako ng presscon. Gahd. And so my final tip is this: if they’re saying social distancing to prevent the spread of COVID-19, do social media distancing to keep yourself sane. There is only so much you can do, because “hiNdI kA nAmAn pReSiDenTe,” at “waLa kA naMaN aMbaG uWu” but you know, you can always turn off that goddamn motherfucking Facebook. I promise I will. And when all else fail, unfollow, unfriend, block people on your timeline. It’s there for you to use.  Makinig ka sa ‘kin. Ako kasi yung matalino. Just obey.

Time Machine

General knowledge na hindi pa rin naiimbento ang time machine hanggang ngayon. Kung babalikan natin yung mga lumang pelikula, dapat meron na, matagal na base sa timeline nila. Pero hindi naman pelikula ito. Hindi natin alam kung maiimbento pa ba ang time machine o lahat tayo unti-unti na lang papatayin ng covid-19. Pero may sasabihin ako sa ‘yo, sa tingin ko, matagal ng naimbento ang time machine, hindi lang natin alam.

Nakasakay ako ng jeep nung Biyernes pauwi ng bahay, as usual, may nakasaksak na earphones sa tenga, Eheads playlist ang tumutugtog sa Spotify. Biglang pasok sa shuffle yung Alapaap, Final Set version. Tapos napangiti ako, na-transport ako back in 2009.

INT. Lobby ng Radio Lab, PLM

Makikitang lumabas ng Radio Lab ang thesis group ni Mina, Jovi, at Cha. Katatapos lang nilang mag-defense, nag-iiyakan, lapitan agad ang mga kaklase nila, ilang grupo na rin ang bigong lumabas ng kwarto, daming uulit ng thesis.

Nagmamadaling kinuha ni Mina ang kanyang Nokia 6590 sa bag, sabay tawag sa mama niya, umiiyak at nanginginig.

MINA

Ma… bilhan mo na ko ng ticket ng Eraserheads. Nakapasa na kami sa thesis.

VANGIE

Hahahaha! Ganun ba? O sige, bibilhan na kita!

END OF FLASHBACK

 

Ang ganda! Ang saya! Naalala ko pa nung nagsa-slam-an yung mga tao sa GenAd, nung naglabasan na yung mga tao tapos biglang may encore tapos takbuhan kami ulit tapos sakto nasa VIP na kami! Sobrang lapit! Abot kamay ko na si Ely! Ang tanga ni Tim Yap at ni Anne Curtis, bakit hindi ninyo kabisado ang lyrics ng Toyang?

Ay, tapos na yung kanta. Di ko namalayan, nag-autopilot na naman ako, naglalakad na pala ako sa street namin. Tapos napaisip ako, shet, sinong nagsabing hindi pa naiimbento ang time machine? E sa tuwing nakikinig ako ng kanta, hindi lang feelz ang bumabalik sa ‘kin, para kong hinihila pabalik sa panahon, sa tao, kung saan nakatatak sa utak, puso at kaluluwa ko yung memories. Minsan nga, nagugulat pa ko na, “Shet, naalala ko pa pala yun?” bilang may pagka-Forgetful Lucy pa man din ako paminsan-minsan.

Halimbawa, tuwing maririnig ko yung “Broken Sonnet” ng Hale, maaalala ko yung unang beses akong nag-cutting sa English 1 ko nung college para lang maka-attend ng mall show nila sa SM Manila kasama ng kaibigan kong si Maris. Sobrang baliw ko lang kay Champ nung unang panahon. Siya ang OG oppa ko. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam anong na-miss ko sa subject na ‘yun. Yung “Follow Me” ni Uncle Kracker, yun yung pinagalitan ako ng student teacher dahil ang lakas daw ng kanta ko, pero ang totoo, nili-lipsync ko lang yun nun, si Ianne talaga ang kumakanta nun nung high school. “The Reason” ng Hoobastank ang nagpapaalala sa ‘king never again sumakay ng bus pauwi ng Leyte. More than 24 hours kaming stranded somewhere sa Samar noon, malamok at mainit at wala ng baterya ang MP4 ko, gusto ko lang naman makinig ng boses nung bokalistang parang kinakaskas sa semento, “and the reasooon is yoooooouuuuu!”

College friends ko naman at mga inuman at kagagahan namin noon ang babalik sa alaala ko ‘pag narinig ko yung linyang, “smile for me baby, let me see your grills, g-g-grills, g-g-g-grills” tapos may aluminum foil si Kim sa upper teeth bilang grills, may dance steps pa kami dun. Pota. Yung “Semi-charmed Life” ng Third Eye Blind ang kumumbinsi sa akin na bagay nga si Tito Benjie sa kapatid ko. Road trip pa-Zambales nung tumugtog yun, tapos sabay silang kumanta ng,

When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive…

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “ah, pwede.” Hindi jejemon. Lol.

Syempre hindi lang sa mga moments, pati mga taong may paboritong kanta tapos sila agad yung naiisip mo dahil sa kantang yun. Emo days nung paborito ni Patty yung “Empty Apartment” ng Yellowcard, “21 Guns” ng Greenday si Carlo na online friend ko for xx years na hindi pa rin nagsasanga ang landas namin hanggang ngayon, yung IDGAF na paboritong shower song ni Anne nung roommate ko pa siya, yung crush ko nung sabi niya i-request daw namin sa banda yung “Wonderwall” ng Oasis, yung isa ko pang crush nung tinugtog yung “Mundo” sa kwarto niya habang nagkukwentuhan kami tas awkwardly sabi ko, “Gusto ko yan!” Lol. Yung “Sila” na kinda “hinarana” sa ‘kin over the phone tapos it went over my head kasi ganun ako ka-dense. May nagsabi sa ‘kin na kapag narinig niya yung “Now” ng MYMP ako ang naaalala niya, kaya kapag narinig ko yun, siya na rin naaalala ko. “Daylight” naman ang naaalala ko sa kanya.

‘Yung mga kapatid ko at yung walang kamatayang pagpe-play naman namin ng concert ng N’Sync sa Madison Square Garden nung mga bata pa kami naman kapag biglang tumugtog yung “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You.” Grabe, yun ang “Frozen” namin nung unang panahon. Tapos dahil nandun na ko sa moment na yun, maaalala ko na si Tito Idoy at yung bigla niyan pagbirit sa Isettan Recto ng “My Love” ng Westlife. At si Tita Inday na ginawan namin ng kanta sa tono ng “I Will Always Love You” dahil tarantado yung mga kuya ko. “Indaaaaay, kapatid ni Tita Yeth.” Nakakatawa kasi magkakapatid silang tatlo na mga pinsan ni Papa. Nag-bond rin kaming magkakapatid sa “Halaga” ng Parokya, buong soundtrack ng School of Rock, at “Lutong Bahay” ng PNE din kasi nagalit si mama sumagot siya dun sa line na, “Tao po!” akala niya kasi may tao talaga hahahaha e kasama yun sa kanta ‘di ba? Bakit daw kami nakikinig ng kantang puro mura? “Ang cooking ng ina mooooo!” Lol.

Sobrang solid ng “Burnout” pero nakakaramdam ako ng lungkot kapag naririnig ko dahil matic si Marco agad maaalala ko. Kumusta naman sa langit, Mamarcs? Yung pamangkin kong si Peyu, weird pero kapag “With Or Without You” ng U2, naaalala ko yung two-year old self niyang kinakanta yun dahil LSS kami dahil theme song yun ng Friends. Si Poi naman yung naimpluwensyahan kong makinig ng “Mr. Sun” ng Over October. Nagulat ako kinakanta na niya. At syempre, makakalimutan ko ba ang Ben&Ben na biglang sumulpot habang nagja-jam kami ng “Maybe The Night”? Pucha. Surreal.

“Bawat Daan” naman yung may nag-propose sa La Union in public habang kumakanta si Ebe sa concert ng 3D. Ukininam.

Ang dami pa. Hindi tayo matatapos kung sasabihin ko lahat. Ibang klase talaga ang musika. Hindi ka matatapos kapag sinimulan niyo pagkwentuhan. Tina-type ko lahat ng ‘to pero parang nag-flashback na ko sa mga mahahalagang parte ng buhay ko. Kaya rin minsan may love-hate relationship ako sa music e. May mga bagay at tao kang gustong hindi na maalala, pero unang tipa pa lang, and then “poof!” Lawa na ng lahat ng memories, ng saya, ng sakit. Sinong nagsabing kailangan mo ng time machine para makabalik sa past? Konting chords lang e sapat na.

Okay. Hindi naman ako malungkot. Hindi rin ako lasing. Bakit tayo vulnerable ngayon? Sober tayo, self. Hindi natin branding ito, kaya habang nache-check ko pa ang sarili ko, tapusin na lang natin ‘to sa tanong: Ikaw, anu-anong kanta ang “time machine” mo?

February in Photos

I looked at my mood tracker for the month of February. Surprisingly, ang dami kong “happy days,” eight to be exact, and two “awesome days.” I’m pretty happy about that. A lot of “average, normal days” as expected, hindi naman kasi teledrama ito directed by Cathy Garcia-Molina. Chos.

In any case, I just wanted to recap this month through photos.

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We recently launched two-hour growthlab sessions focused on purpose, innovation, and collaboration in the office. So far, so good. Everything is going well, as far as I could tell. I was able to become a participant in one, not just as an observer, so there’s that. I’m actually learning a few things here and there. We’re doing two more this coming week before we go on hiatus on open sessions and focus on org-based ones. Oh, sidenote, we get to dress up every session, and TBH, I’m either too lazy or excited to do so, sometimes I feel like “Ooh, I want to dress up.” Other times, I’d be like, “Shet, ayoko magbihis gusto ko lang mag-shorts at t-shirt sa office huhu.” There’s no in-between. Lol.

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I was asked to help out this new Shared Mission ad hoc team in the office that aims to help people understand and align their mission with the company. We’re pretty big on that. If you feel like you still want to be part of the team, well and good. If not, and you’ll be able to spread your wings and fly in another company or on your own, no one’s going to stop you, we’ll support you all the way!

Full disclosure: I told our COO last year that I’m not keen on being part of things like these because I really just wanted to stay on the sidelines and just do my job. Lol. I don’t know why I think that way, I know I can do more, but sometimes I feel like I need to have time for my personal life, and if I accept more assignments like these, I’d become a corporate slave lol, ewan. Akala mo naman may social life aside from meeting friends here and there, spending time with my chubby wubby baby nephew, and Netflix. Ewaaaan.

I was given a special project by our CEO and I’m pretty excited about the results, still working out the kinks, so, so much for me for saying, “Huwag niyo po akong bigyan ng extra work.” Haha. Aileen said I should listen to the universe if it keeps on giving me opportunities like this, but hey, universe, maybe you should listen to my late-night pleas instead? Huh.

Things That Really Made Me Happy

This salary increase lol. But also being a top tier performer lol

Hyun Bin oppa, love yew, babe!

Spending time with this bungisngiiiis, daldalero, tabachingching!

Friends Reunion! And assembling this lego with my sister and brother-in-law! My first legit lego building in years! Fulfilling!

McDonald’s zero-waste effort! This one’s in Katipunan! Let’s all do whatever we can to save this world!

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Another one bites the dust! My office “person” and B2 is getting married this April Fool’s Day to the love of her life who tolerates all her weirdness and quirkiness!

Mga lakad na natutuloy! Meet up with some of my GMA friends over a delicioso meal courtesy of Napoli, super kaduper saraaaap ng pizza and pasta nila talaga uggghhhh. And of course, Chocolat’s Death by Tablea. I missed this oh so yummy perfect blend of sweet and bitter moist cake in my mouth. Drooling just as I type this! I can never get enough of “laughing and not giving a fuck on what the next day holds” with friends!

Almost two years in the making! A leap day miracle! Okay, just going to reuse my Instagram caption for this: Sooo… I heard… that you like reminiscing about fave Intramuros kainans, old college profs, unforgettable inuman sessions, and badly edited video production outputs but with forward-thinking concepts (woah!); learning about love languages, SOGIE, throuples, and “paano ba manalo ng 10k sa MMK?”; talking about Phil. history and politics, your ka-DDS friends, LGBTQ stereotypes, web design, shobis chismis, incompetent workmates lol, and a budding love story ayiiiii; asking the Book of Answers for future endeavors; and comparing yourselves to the young ones. Ang tanda na natin mga pota hahaha ang sakit ng panga ko! Salamat sa pagbisita kahit 1-day na pagpaplano lang ito 😂

Finally, THIS! Having your cake and eating it too!

Almost six years ago, we filed a regularization case against GMA. Earlier this month, they filed certiorari that what we did is like a classic case of “having your cake and eating it too.” Last Feb. 19, Court of Appeals remanded NLRC and commission’s ruling on our adjacent illegal dismissal case (remember when we staged a rally in front of the network for harassment?) and proclaimed us as regular employees and that what they did is indeed an illegal dismissal. If you’re curious about this, our WordPress account buhaymedia.wordpress.com talks more in-depth about this. You might learn a thing or two on how fucked up the media talent system works in the country. Main reason why I boycott companies that mistreat their employees, I experienced it myself. Hehe.

Woah, February! I did not expect a lot from you, but you delivered! March, let’s do this!

The Wknd

SELF-CARE SATURDAY

My Saturday was a little packed. On a normal day, I’d wake up at 11am and binged whatever’s on Netflix that piqued my interest. Otherwise, I’d just watch a random Friends or Big Bang episode and I’d get up by 1pm to have lunch. And then I’d watch some more, maybe a movie or two, take a break and check my social media, take a bath, and then watch again ’til 2am. Copy and paste for Sunday. Unless I need to do my laundry, meet up with friends or family, or other things that would require me to leave my bed and have actual human interaction. But as I’ve said, this Saturday’s a little different.

I finally got my PruLife policy contract yesterday from my agent after almost a year of paying premiums every month. I should’ve done this a long time ago, in fact, I did, but SunLife said I’m not eligible because I’ve been hospitalized twice that year I applied because of gastritis (caused by stress lang pala!), so my financial advisor said my VUL application automatically becomes a mutual fund instead. Hindi ko na rin nahulugan pa yun. But she said that if I wanted to, I can start putting in money again in that fund so I’d have a better interest (?) in the long run. Maybe I should. Hirap maging mahirap dapat prepared ka for the future. Make sure to get insurance you guys, let’s end the toxic cycle of making our children take care of us when we’re old. I’m too proud to ask my future kids to take care of an ailing Carmina hehe. Plus this shitty government’s healthcare will leave your family still drowning in debt long after you die so getting one now is a really good idea.

I had lunch at Fat Cousins Maginhawa courtesy of Kat, my old neighbor/friend/agent together with her friend, Olive. Aside from getting my policy, we had our usual talk about life whenever we meet up, i.e. how’s Legarda, why we rarely go back to our old homes, our families and of course, skincare. After a few rounds of toner, moisturizer, and sunscreen recommendations, we decided to go to UP Town. Our goal? Have our skin checked at Kiehl’s. I’ve been meaning to do this but shet ang mahal ng products nila hahaha, and I’m a little intimidated to get my skin checked alone because baka mapilitan akong bumili agad hehe. I didn’t, by the way. My wallet thanked me after I convinced myself that I ought to try the testers first before buying full-sized bottles of their products.

They dropped me off at Savemore V. Luna after so I can have my groceries done for the next two weeks. I spent more than I should, but I told myself that it’s okay since I recently just got a raise at work, hey self, gotta live a little! Enjoy those chocolate bars lel. I don’t know about you, but I just love doing groceries, it calms me down and I feel like I’m doing something useful even if I’m just going around in circles for thirty minutes. Hehe.

I went back home, arranged the groceries and went out again. Next order of business: have my eyes checked.

See, last week, I went to my sister’s house and we watched On Vodka, Beers, and Regrets (dami kong reklamo sa palabas na ito, but that’s for another story), and before the movie started, she whipped out her eyeglasses. I borrowed it and holymoly! I never realized ang labo na pala talaga ng mata ko! HD pala dapat ang mga palabas sa sinehan at hindi blurred! My 480p view suddenly became 1080p! I’ve been living a lie!

So I told myself that I’d get my eyes checked the next swelday weekend and I did. Had a few recommendations on where to get cute frames because I originally wanted to go for Sunnies but my principles wouldn’t want me giving money to Marcos apologists heh, so I found Starfinder and Ojo through people who wear glasses. Was supposed to check Starfinder, but I’m already in Cubao for a facial and the nearest Starfinder’s at SM North EDSA, and we all know how commuting in the metro is such a bitch so I decided to just go to Ojo at Ali Mall before my treatment at Skin Bella in Cubao. Dun tayo sa nilalakad lang. I also checked out Owndays and found one I actually want but potek it’s at P5,490 hahaha sa bonus na lang lol. Daming bayarin this ghorl.

After at least twenty minutes of choosing among a wide variety of frames that would best suit my face, the optometrist on-site checked my eyes. Note that this is the first time I’m having my eyes checked after a few years and boy was I in for a surprise. My heart sank after realizing I couldn’t read the smallest of letters anymore. I still remember that one time in college where my classmates were amazed at how easily I read the instructions on the manila paper our professor posted, sobrang liliit ng letters nun tapos baliktad pa huhuhu. Sigh.

The doctor, in a slightly condescending tone then told me, “So bale for a first-timer, medyo mataas po. 100-75. Hindi niyo po napansin na lumalabo na mata ninyo?”

Me: Actually gusto ko lang magsalamin kasi ang hirap manood ng sine.

That didn’t help. Haha. She asked me to walk around, then a few more questions. Na-budol niya rin ako into getting digital emedu kemer for protection, and since I’m a writer, she highly recommends it daw. So I said yes. Ang mahal ng add on for that, but sige na, I’ve neglected my eyes for so long, I just gave in.

I was told to wait for thirty minutes before I can get my hands on them. And so I reflect back on the times I didn’t need glasses haha pakaarte potek may reflection paper ba girl? And all the times I felt that I needed them but I just brushed them off: tulad nung hindi ko na mabasa yung mga karatula sa jeep pag malayo so yung pagpara ko ang abrupt haha, yung kailangan ko na lumapit sa counter para mabasa yung menu bago ako umorder, yung mga panahong malabo na yung mukha ng mga taong nakakasalubong ko than usual pero I didn’t mind dahil wala naman akong pake sa mga mukha nila tsaka sabi ng mama ko wag ako makipag-eye to eye sa mga tao masyado baka ma-hypnotize ako hahaha, and all the times na ang una kong itatanong sa takilyera ay, “Saan po ang eye level?” bago ako mamili ng seat sa sinehan kasi nga hindi ko maenjoy dahil malabo huhuhu. I was just in denial all this time. Haha.

After less than thirty minutes, in fairness, ang bilis!!! I got my first prescription glasses. It feels like I’m seeing through another person’s eyes. It’s a little irritating because I feel like it’s a crutch, that I fucking need now. I’ve also come to the realization that this body is slowly deteriorating. And I’m dying. Lol. Bye 20-20 vision, it was nice knowing you. Unti-unti ko ng tatanggapin na ganito na talaga mata ko. Haha. I feel a bit powerless. Char. Clark Kent, yes?

To keep my spirits up, and syempre dapat hindi lang future self ang pinapasaya, I went to my usual facial care center to pamper my present self and ayun na nga, nabudol ako i-try yung oxygen facial. It was a thousand pesos pricier than my usual facial service, but sige na, give in na tayo. Haha. It turned out pretty great ang I love all the products they put on my face, my face feels less dry now, so there’s that.

SUNDAZED

Woke up late as usual, finished the entire election arc of Hunter X Hunter and literally said, “ANG KYOOOOOOT” after I finished watching it. Hehe. I had cereal for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and eggs for dinner. It is a quiet Sunday, and I’m getting my eyes accustomed to its new friend. Hope I’d get it done faster than 1-2 weeks daw sabi ni doc. Sabi niya, I should only take it off pag maliligo ako or matutulog na for at least two weeks. Pero syempre pasaway ako. Tinatanggal ko pa rin pag naiirita ako. Still, I hope I will finally get the hang of this.

And now here we are, 10:05 PM PH time. Naghihintay ng final episode ng Crash Landing On You. I checked. Wala pa rin. Sige. Mag-journal muna ko. Hope y’all had a nice weekend. Lunes na naman! Bye! 

Sunday Currently

reading How They Met and Other Stories by David Levithan. Been reading this for a few weeks now. Anthology naman siya so I don’t feel like I need to rush this, but I feel like I have to because it’s not even that hard to read. I just need to find time to read.

writing aside from this obvious filler blog? Drafting another blog post where I only spend P150 per day for a month, lol, but my mind is currently numb and didn’t want to write so there’s that.

listening to Sara Bareilles’ Gravity on Spotify.

watching Hunter x Hunter on Netflix. Rewatched it and finally, I’m on the last arc – the only arc I still haven’t seen. Also, Crash Landing On You.

thinking that I really need to re-calibrate my life or you know, just give myself another review soon in different aspects just to see how I’m doing. Lol. Sobrang exam ba? I just want to know I’m doing well, and if not, what can I do about it haha. E bakit ba ko nag-e-explain sa inyo on how I live my life hindi hindi niyo naman business ito, hindi naman siguro kayo yung mga against sa divorce ‘no? Nangingielam ng buhay ng may buhay?

smelling nothing. A faint smell of Surf Fabcon since katatapos ko lang maglaba and I need to put these clean clothes back to the closet now.

wishing for a better week ahead. Also, a bit of calmness in all aspects of my life.

hoping that when I finally get my new Converse exchanged, tama na yung size. Bakit napakagulo ng sizing sa Zalora motherfucker.

wearing pambahay clothes – shirt that was a gift from HK and thrifted high waist denim shorts, no ligo yet.

loving that I was able to thoroughly clean my room yesterday!

wanting to take an extended day off tomorrow. Monday na agad?!

needing a body scrub and a fresh perspective.

feeling dazed and confused. lazy to write a decent post.

Bawi next time.

Life Lately | Januaaaaaaaary

For some reason, January had always been such a shitty month for me. Only this time, lahat tayo had been shit on by this month. The earth is literally on fire, the animals are dying, people are dying, to be honest, I would not be surprised if bigla na lang magkaroon ng zombie virus outbreak.

Hindi ko alam bakit ako gumagawa ng life update post wala namang bago sa buhay ko. Pero sige, here’s January in a nutshell (nutshell ba talaga e ‘kala ko nga aabot pa ‘tong buwan na ‘to ng January 366 ganoin so syempre mahaba).

Hit and miss yung January tulad ng sagot ko dito sa game pero masaya pa rin ako lol

Life in general

On the first day of the decade, I had my fortune “read” (read: bumunot lang ako sa Osho zen card tapos may description sa book na kasama hehe) for me and I got this:

The eagle has an overview of all the possibilities contained in the landscape below, as he flies freely, naturally and effortlessly through the sky. He is really in his domain, very grand and self-contained.

This card indicates that you are at a point where a world of possibilities is open to you. Because you have grown more loving towards yourself, more self-contained, you can work easily with others. Because you are relaxed and at ease, you can recognize possibilities as they present themselves, sometimes even before others can see them. Because you are in tune with your own nature, you understand that existence is providing you with exactly what you need. Enjoy the flight! And celebrate all the varied wonders of the landscape spread before you.

Love this! I have really grown to love myself more, albeit slowly. I still tend to catch myself hating on myself so pinapagalitan ko siya. But that’s a good thing ‘no? At least hindi na ko tulad ng dati. In this regard, I’ve been consciously telling positive affirmations to myself after reading Wentworth Miller’s article that made me cry. I really need to keep telling myself that “I am enough, I am deserving, I am worth it.” especially on days when I feel so ugly and stupid and undeserving of things that I enjoy, konti lang naman yun, but still.

I’m still not sure what life has in store for me, there are some things I’d want to pursue, but I still need to think it over because I need money to push it through haha, but goddamnit, daming possibilities!

Still early to give myself a pat on the back, but I’ve been consistently writing on my journal/planner. I’ve come to realize that the reason why I wasn’t able to finish last year’s journal was that I was trying too hard to make it look “aezthetic” similar to the other bujos I’ve binged on YouTube. Hindi naman kailangang ganun. I realized that first and foremost, gusto ko lang namang magsulat at ma-track ang daily feelingz ang work-related shizz sa buhay ko, so bakit ko kailangan ng washi tapes at stickers? I mean, I still use them, but not as design elements anymore, but for practical use – like markers on edges, highlighters, and to cover up a few mistakes. So far, so good. I’m not pressured to create something so beautiful, I’ve decided I want it to look minimal, and more of my style – clean and easy on the eyes.

Journaling has also helped me deal with my emotions better. I can’t remember the last time I’ve poured my heart out on pages after pages after feeling really down on a Monday. You know how sometimes ang sama-sama na ng pakiramdam mo emotionally na anytime maiiyak ka na lang? Kaso maaalala mong shet, ang dami mong responsibilidad sa trabaho mo at sa sarili mo, kaya ise-schedule mo na lang sa weekend yung iyak mo? Hirap maging adult. Yun. Ganun yung naramdaman ko. But after writing, I felt 200 pounds lighter. Buti na lang nagsulat ako, kung hindi baka nagulat sila sa meeting bakit ka umiiyak, garl? Hahaha.

Met up with a few friends this month as well. Catch up and a few drinks, one of those catch-ups had me turning into bed at 6am. My takeaway? Hindi ko na kayang uminom ng marami at mag-stay up ng hanggang 6am. I’m an old woman.

GMA sent its petition for certiorari to Supreme Court. If you still don’t know, I, along with 96 other GMA talents sued the company in 2014 for a regularization case. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride, and it has crushed the dream, pero ayun. Shit happens and before you know it, your dream becomes a nightmare. Naka-move on na naman kami. We just hope that the SC would uphold the NLRC and CA’s decision and just get it over with. We really hope we will set a precedent that media people should become regular employees and enjoy the benefits regular employees enjoy. End contractualization!

Werq

Work, on the other hand, is fine, I guess. There are days when I just wanted to tear my hair out because of sheer frustration or quit altogether haha, pero syempre di pwede di naman tayo mayaman. I’ve been feeling out of touch in the first few days, I’m not sure if it was just because I’m having sepanx with my long vacation or I feel like I don’t have any direction. But yun.

On the flip side, I’ve had my yearly focal review for 2019 and it went well. Ya girl’s a Tier 1A employee. Not bad for someone who sometimes had to pretend to look busy dahil maaga natapos sa task hahaha. Just have to improve on two things: overthinking my work and giving more attention to detail. Ironic, ‘no? Haha.

Entertainment

Sobrang labo ng part na ‘to haha pero if you’ve been here a long time, or backread posts, you probably know I’m a couch potato. I’m that person who would look forward to going home from work na hindi na mangagausap ng tao tapos manonood lang or magbabasa (trying to go back to reading) up until I have to go to sleep. This should merit another blog post, I know, but rundown na lang ng mga pinanood ko this month plus a few thoughts on them:

Don’t Fck With Cats – motherfucker where do people find the time to become internet sleuths? And why? Wala ba silang buhay? Malungkot kaya buhay nila? Bakit may mga taong narcissist? Bakit kayo pumapatay ng hayop? Bakit ang twisted ng mundo?

You Season 1 & 2 – I intentionally didn’t watch this when it came out last year because stalker-ish kind of plots make me squirm. But surprisingly, I enjoyed this one. The twists got me hooked. But Dexter >>>> You pa rin. If you have not seen that, go do it!

Spiderman Far From Home – ang cute ni Tom Holland. But don’t we have enough Spiderman movies? Lalabanan ba nito ang SRR movies? O Mano Po?

Write About Love – saw this with Macky in the cinema. Surprisingly enjoyed it as well! A love story for writers! Ang gandaaaaaa! Except for Yeng’s acting like wala na bang ibang artista na magaling kumanta? Ehem Glaiza de Castro, guys?

The Help – Mygahd why did I keep on putting off watching this masterpiece? Aside from Emma Stone’s character literal white-knighting the African-American maids, my heart! Sobrang gandaaaaa! This actually set my 2020 mantra: You is smart. You is kind. You is important.

Dracula – from Sherlock creators Steve Moffatt and Mark Gatiss comes another adaptation. Maganda naman ang execution, very reminiscent lang ng Sherlock one would ask, ginawa lang ba ito dahil hindi na pwede si Benedict my love and Martin Freeman mag-shoot? Wala na ba kayong ibang alam na treatment? Very well-made but there’s this kind of umay factor na para kang hinainan ng mechado pero lasang afritada pa rin. Gets? Will watch another season of this kung magkakaroon, though. Haha.

Brooklyn 99 Season 6 – not as much fun after Gina Linetti left the show, but still good to watch on days when you just want to laugh.

The Good Place Season 3 – not as good as Seasons 1 and 2, how much more can you stretch this plot? Chidi and Eleanor walang chemistry! Wag na nating ipilit mga atih, kuya.

The Core – Really surprised that I have not seen this 2003 movie bilang isa akong fan ng mga end of the world movies haha. Love the premise, iba sa mga aliens/space emerut kembot, ang fresh nung geologists ang bida considering how Sheldon Cooper constantly trash on geologists on TBBT haha. Very, very predictable.

Crash Landing On You – HOOOOOY! Hyun Bin oppa! ❤ ❤ ❤ Maling-maling pinanood ko ‘to habang on-going pa o di ba naghihintay tuloy ako ngayon huhuhuhuhuhu. Ganda ng premise! North Korean soldier meets pakaarteng self-made CEO from South Korea! Bakit ang galing nilang gumawa ng stories? Sobrang rich potek! Pilipinas, anuna!

Touch Your Heart – at dahil on-going yung CLOY, had to watch another kilig-kilig lang na K-drama. Watched this because unlike Chidi and Eleanor, grabe ang chemistry ni Lee Dong-wook at Yoo In-na. Ka-kyut! Perfect watch sa mga gabing pagod ka na from work tas kumukuha ka na lang ng kilig sa drama dahil walang kwenta yung sa ‘yo hahaha

HunterxHunter – found myself rewatching one of my favorite animes!

Because This Is My First Life – current K-drama binge-watch because nga nakakainip maghintay sa bagong episodes ng Crash Landing On You. Ang ganda rin. Slow burn, but worth it. Very realistic ng issues ng mga characters kahit yung main plot hindi naman talaga mangyayari sa totoong buhay haha.

Miss Americana – I have a newfound respect for Taylor Swift I am once again a Swiftie. I will make a full review on this kapag sinipag ako because I loved it.

Ayun lang. Bye.

 

 

Dear Andres

Here’s a filler post because I wanted to write a January look back kaso ang haba nga pala ng January and I’m currently bingeing a K drama so next week na lang siguro. Hihi.

Andres, the youngest in our family was recently baptized. His parents asked his godparents for virtues they wish to impart to Andres ala Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. Virtues should be virtues they possess. They are also accountable for this value, which means kapag lumaking taliwas sa sinabi nila ang bata, sila ang may kasalanan. Lol.

Anyway, here’s Tita/Ninang Shey’s speech for our little chubby wubby chubaboy:

 

Little Supremo,

My gift shall be the gift of “truthiness” (ahaha inside joke) TRUTHFULNESS. I wish that you grow up to be honest. In everything that you say and do. Sabi nga ni Dolores Umbridge, “I must not tell lies.” And so I want you to speak the truth. Like Tita Shey. You will not have a lot of friends in the process, as I’ve experienced, but that’s okay. You will be able to weed out fake friends and just have true friends in the long run. So tell the truth, even if it hurts. This is why I always tell you na ang taba mo na. Charot.

I would also want you to always, always stand for truth. We (your parents, ninongs, and ninangs) are here to answer your questions to the best our abilities. The internet is there for you to fact-check. Do not spread fake news. Be discerning. Do not fail Gat Andres Bonifacio, you are named after him for a reason: he fought for the truth. Atin ang Pilipinas, atin ang WPS. So if you grow up to be a DDS, a Marcos apologist or a Delawan, I swear to God, ibabalik ko ang kandila mo. Chos.

Lastly, I’d like for you to seek your truth. Whether you want to be a doctor, a comedian, a director, or a pokemon, if it will give you true happiness, I will support you 100%.

And so, when you’re 18, I will also tell you the truth na nakasulat sa diary, that I am your real mother. (also an inside joke)

Mones and Gonzales clan

Thank you, Tito Chris and Tita Vanessa of Spaghetti Sunday for the photos!