I have a confession to make. I am such a coward. And it just dawned on me, in the most inappropriate place, and time.
Today, Jovi, Issa and myself went to Divisoria for our Christmas shopping. It was supposed to be a happy day, and it actually is, until Issa got a message from Ghe saying how depressed she is, and that her best friend in the world, Faye, passed away today. Shock was all over our faces. We were like, “She’s just our age. How on earth did that happened?” I even said, “If she died today, then that means I could die too, today, right at this spot, on this very moment, I could.”
We forgot all about that what with all the sales screaming right at our faces and we got on with the shopping. Issa and I then rode the same jeepney ride on the way home. Out of nowhere, I remembered that SMS and I uttered the words, “Kung mag-AWOL kaya ko?” to Issa’s surprise. (read previous post in order to follow why I said these words).
And then, it all started screaming at my face. And I kept on talking. I told her how I think my life’s a complete bore. Like I’m doing what the norms are telling me to. Like how I am always following the standards, and if I can, go over it. It was okay, but if I was to die today, I would really believe that I have not live my life to its fullest. And I would never forgive myself.
I even told her, I wanted to tell my kids one day “Nag-AWOL ako dati e. Tas ayun, nahirapan na ko magahanap ng trabaho. Hahaha”. “Pero natuto ako.” Issa added. Or just plain tell them stories that I was once a cool girl doing kabulastugan and all that stuff that people my age do. Not that I’m saying I’m not a normal kid, I am, but, I do not have that kind of rush, or do things without even thinking what would happen next.
Now that I think about it, I haven’t got anything I could say I did just because I wanted to. Or just because I was a rebel. Do you know that I was not able to get grades with a seven on the start (of course I’m excluding my college grades cause its based on 1.00-5.00)? Or that I haven’t even been called to the guidance office because I did something bad? The few times I got in the guidance office were when Cat, my sister was reprimanded and they called me in to tell my parents about it, or those times when I was called for student council meetings or when they told me that I am once again part of the honor roll. Do you even know that I wasn’t even able to make a scene the day I got dumped? That I wasn’t able to slap any of their faces or pull her hair because I do not want to make a scene just because I was wearing the PLM uniform? There, I said it all.
I am indeed walking on a straight line, trying my best to not walk far away from it. You’re probably thinking I am being too rational, or that I am always thinking about the possible repercussions of my every action. Or that I am not a risk-taker. Or how boring my life is. I am probably one of those kids who were not able to fill their ‘naughty cup’ up to the brim. Mine’s probably half empty.
This one’s just in. As I am typing this blog entry, Joshua, one of my high school classmate told me on Facebook chat, and I quote, “umh pakiramdam q seryoso ka masyado ^^”. Gaad. I’m not, okay. Okay, I probably am. But is it my fault if everything around me wants me to grow up, anyway, I SHOULD be a grown up. I am 21 for goodness’ sake! Funny how my officemates treat me like a baby. I am “Minababy”, “Neng”, gaad, they even call me “Bata”.
Anyhoo, that’s a whole other story, I’m deviating from the whole point of this blog, which is probably, pointless. I just wasted some ten minutes of your net time. I just want to get it out of my system. Maybe the only way is do something risky, not really life-threatening, or career-threatening, but something that would put a pacifier to that demon in me who wanted me to do something out of the ordinary, for me to jump off the cliff, close my eyes and not think if there’s water in there, or if there are rocks or if somebody’s going to catch my fall.
Haha. I’m blabbering and wasted one, two, nine paragraphs of my blogpage.
Damn. I really need to do something fun now. And not the ‘fun’ I’m sooo used to. But no, I still can’t do extreme things, I can’t even tell a person I crush him straight to his face, cause you know, I AM a coward.