A few weeks back, I’ve been thinking if I should shut down this blog altogether; like put it on fire and watch it turn into dust while I walk away in slow motion or something. Charrr. I don’t know why, I just had this sudden rush of feelings that I am in control, that in this speck of universe called the interwebz, I am god. Or goddess. The word ‘god’ just sounds so damn powerful to me.
Reasons why I wanted to shut it down vary from the pettiest to the sanest. I wanted to do it just ’cause I could. Then there are days when I want to minimize my internet footprint, I mean I could be applying for a new job and who knows? The HR might get turned off from this blog. That would cost me. And who wants to read ranty posts from a seventeen year old some few years back, right?
But just like any other day, I decided to sleep on it. That’s one of the reasons why you’re still reading this update. I also tried thinking about the many reasons why I started this blog in the first place: to exorcise my demons and at the same time, to help myself remember the important events in my life. You know how crappy my memory is. And we’ll never know, I may never find my Noah Calhoun, so best to have this site to help me remember. And then there are days when you have friends who suddenly appears with a big tub of Nivea creme just because she read on your blog that you love that product. Thank you, Jet! And for the BB cream, too. I have the nicest friends ever. 😉
Speaking of friends, I’ve been feeling down today and I didn’t knew who I’m going to call. Then I remembered I have this friend who will never get tired of me even if I keep giving him the cold shoulder the past few weeks. Shit, when did I ever become such a shitty friend?
We all need that one friend who’s like your favorite tattered shirt. At the end of the day, however pricey or hip your new dress is, you’re going to want to wear that overused, comfy shirt to sleep comfortably in. That thing has probably seen you on your worst and on your best day. And you’re fine with that. Even if you keep putting them at the back of the pile of your clothes, you’re going to want to wear it on your “fuck this life” days, like today. If you find yours, try not to be like the topakin me, I honestly don’t know how long he’s going to stand by me. Haha!
Since we’re on the topic of having people to stand by you, I thought it’s about time to have my own self stand by me, too. Get it, get it? I mean we really cannot rely with people being there for you for always even if they said they would. I don’t want to become Phoebe who doesn’t even a “pla.” Earlier today, my bosses had representatives from two of the top insurance companies and I’m seriously thinking about this whole goddamn preparedness for the future. It made me stop and think about what do I want to do with my life and where am I going to be five years from now. I still don’t know how all of these things will pan out, but one thing’s for sure, I sure as hell want to live better and have more financial freedom in the future. Hello, maturity!
I’ve also been thinking on whether or not I should stay in this job. It’s getting rocky and I sometimes think I’m at a dead end road, but I have work with these wonderful people that I’m having sepanx even if I’m just thinking about leaving my job. Maybe if I could bring the Powerhouse team with me, and work with them in that imaginary job, then leaving work will be so much easier. I don’t know, I mean writing is and will always be my happy place, maybe that’s the reason why I’m writing now, I feel so bad, but I can still do that even if I’m not here, right? And maybe, I’ll be giving those million girls who’d kill for my job and work with the people I’m working with a real chance. They can easily get a new “Emily,” but the question is, do I want to be replaced as “Andrea Sachs?” I think I haven’t seen “Paris” just yet.
Oh my, why do I keep stressing myself to things that are so vague they might as well be imaginations my mind conjures out of boredom? Oh, well.