Disclaimer: Not safe for conservatives, boys, kids, “OMG, this is TMI” kind of people who uses their social media as diaries anyway LOL and maaarteng tao. Para sa mga malilinis at naglilinis-linisan at sa mga “What the fuck Mina ikukwento mo talaga yan?!”, ang post na ito ay hindi para sa’yo. Binalaan kita, pag nagbasa ka pa beyond this paragraph walang sisihan ha.
A little practice para di ka ma-stress sa babasahin mo ay basahin ang mga susunod na salita: vagina. vajayjay. keps. kepyas. pepe. pussy. (insert other terms you call it here.)
When you tryna look happy but you’re dying from dysmenorrhea
Periods are the worse. Whenever I have one that is coupled with the excruciating pain of dysmenorrhea, I think about the time Adam and Eve taking a bite out of the forbidden apple and God banishing them from the Garden of Eden; AND as a personal punishment to Eve for tempting Adam to take a bite (it’s alright), He cursed Eve and all her descendants to have monthly periods with an awful bitch of a pain for 5-7 days half of their lives. Kidding! Please don’t hate me Christian and conservative Catholic friends.
But you know what’s worse than having a period? Having a period on the day you are going to the beach. Sucks, right? Ruins everything. I remember having to wear shorts on my period one time because I only ever wear pads with wings. So I can fly. Char. And that one time I had to cancel going Alibijaban because I had a worse one with an even worse menstrual cramps.
Dear girlfriend, yes, you’re not the only one. It’s the worst thing ever especially if you planned to have your 4 day vacation swimming in the ocean and interacting with sea creatures, and on your birthday. WHAT. A. BITCH. Like sometimes I think about it and curse the way the woman’s body works, or the higher being for doing this to us every freaking month. Why, God, whyyyy?
Why can’t we just receive like a note, a text, an email, or even a goddamn pigeon with a letter tied to its foot saying, “Congratulations! You’re not pregnant! Now go have an ice cream!” or something like that. Why is there a need for some shedding of the uterine wall? Why, uterus, why are you bleeding? Why are you so mad at me for not having a baby? I’m not ready! I’m not even crying for not having a boyfriend! So should you, egg cell! Hahaha!
So last month, I had my period on my birthday, on my vacation. I knew I’m doomed a month before when it came exactly a month before my birthday. What the actual fvck. So I was thinking, I cannot wear pads on the sea, and I cannot rely on the ocean to just making the flow stop naturally, because what happens when I finally come out of the water? Would I go all Carrie down there? I knew the day has come that I finally get to see how tampons work. I was out of my wits.
I got in the supermarket and prayed that they at least sell one of those, because holy cow, unlike in other countries, Filipinos are not really big on hopping on the tampon bandwagon. Tampons, like reading comprehension and defying the current administration, does not come in dime a dozen here. I think it’s the whole 90% of the population are raised Catholics and inserting a thing up your vagina is not really the norm here. It’s something we wouldn’t really talk about I honestly don’t know why I’m writing about it. Lol.
Anywaaaay… I think the heavens have heard me and you could just imagine my surprise when I went to the sanitary napkins/panty liners aisle and there’s an entire little area for Playtex tampons in regular and super absorbent staring right back at me. Woohoo!
To cut the story short, I did have my period on the day I predicted it would come. I knew I had to face my fears and the awkwardness of inserting an alien object in my vagina. WTF, nature. I took out the product and read the instructions on the paper. Risks said I’d have to look out for TSS or the Toxic Shock Syndrome. Got a bit scared at this part because I was traveling solo and I wouldn’t want to be hospitalized alone. But a girl’s got to do, what a girl’s got to do.
this is how thick 1.6 cm is, it’s as big as my ring finger
If you’re a tampon virgin, here’s the thing you need to know, tampons come in different sizes and I was dumb enough to get the largest one Playtex has in their roster. Well, fvck me, I thought to myself. I should’ve gotten the regular one with 1.4 cm (diameter) applicator size and not the super absorbent one with 1.6 cm in size. I mean, I know it’s not that big deal of a difference, but you’re not the one who’s alone in a bathroom 930.6 kilometers away from home (yes, I googled that) about to put a foreign item inside her vajayjay damned scared of TSS! I read it only happens to 1 out of 10 women, but I could be the one out of ten women! Goodness! Naturally, I was freaking out. But I had to do it unless I want to swim with the whale shark with blood oozing out of my body. Gross.
21 Thoughts I Had While Inserting My First Tampon
- I am a strong, independent woman. Carmina, you can do this.
- What? Squat and relax? How can I fvcking relax?
- Okay, how do we do it?
- What if I insert it in the wrong hole? There are two holes, what if it’s the wrong one? What would happen? Which hole? Which hole?
- Okay, here goes.
- WAIT! *breathe in, breathe out
- Okay let’s do this.
- Ow, ow, ow. I don’t think this is supposed to hurt. What am I doing wrong?
- This is by far the most awkward and most frustrating thing I have ever done in my entire life!
- I want my mother!!!!
- Wait! Lemme see if there’s a YouTube tutorial in here somewhere.
- There is none that is useful. I have officially proven that not everything can be found in the internet.
- Okay, let’s do this again with a new sterilized tampon.
- You can do this, Carmina. Vaginas are like the queen of rubbers. They’re that elastic. Penises go in there, and I’m sure as hell they’re bigger than 1.16cm. Some women even put other stuff in there. Also, freaking babies weighing 8 pounds get out of that hole! This should be a piece of cake! You can do this, you can do this, YOU can do this. – me psyching myself up for the nth time.
- Is it in? Is it in?
- Okay, that’s in?! Yay! I did it! I did it!
- Wow! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. HA!
- Also, this feels nothing like wearing a pad. Awesome! Why haven’t I’ve done this before?!
- You are a strong, independent woman. Carmina, you DID IT.
- Now go forth and swim with (whale) sharks! Enjoy yourself, you deserve it. Happy birthday!
- *gives self a pat on the back
it has a cottony texture and opens up in your V as it gets filled with blood
Swimming with a (whale) shark on shark week! Eep!
I honestly Googled if it was safe swimming whale sharks on your period, just to be sure. LOL
Okay fine. In retrospect, I realized it could have gone better if I had only relaxed myself when I was doing it. It was a pretty much unpleasant experience, but it was worth it. I got to swim with the whale shark, swim with millions of sardines, trek Aguinid falls and jump off the 30ft cliff in Kawasan Falls – on my period.
Dear Dr. Earle C. Haas of Denver, Colorado, bless your heart for this wonderful creation. You are now one of my beach heroes. Charot.
I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to do that had I wore pads on those days. Once the sticky part gets wet. I’m doomed. Not to mention it’s too bulky and I would’ve felt uneasy all the way through. The tricky part though is tugging the string to get the tampon out. It felt like pooping with your vagina. But do it with one sure tug, and it’ll come out. I was afraid at first the string would get ripped or something, but it was pretty sturdy, but still was uncomfortable.
So would I use tampons again? Hell, YES. Not on normal period days, I’d stick to pads. But on beach days, fuck yeah. You just don’t let your body tell you you can’t swim because it’s that time of the month! You have to tell it to screw itself! Sino mag-a-adjust?
Some other thoughts: The inserting part was the easy part. Once it’s in, go do your thing. By the second tampon, I actually felt like a pro. If you felt something uncomfortable, then you inserted it wrong. Pull it out and try again. It should feel as if you are not on your period. Tampons are a little steeper than your regular pads. Eight pads are in average sold at P40, while I bought mine for P134 a box, comes in eight pieces. The thing that I hate the most is retrieving it from your V. It’s like ripping your guts out. Ugh. Also, make sure to not leave it in for more than 5 hours. Safest is 4 hours to avoid cases of TSS. Now, go wear that damned bikini! I wonder how pasador and menstrual cup works. Anybody knows? How’s your first tampon experience? Would you do it if you haven’t already? Share your thoughts below!
Tengene, ang hirap maging babae, bes.